Monday, April 26, 2010

there is that which is unrequited

It's four am in the morning and insomnia is kicking like a narcotic laced needle in a vein. I felt I was in an addict state of mind, deluding myself that I am more perceptive in an abnormal state.

Emotionally speaking, I'm starved right now. Or more like I'm only feeling one emotion that is standing out and getting in the way of others.

Consciously I keep telling myself it'll be okay. Time heals all wounds as they say. Everyone goes through a trial, which seems to slow down time to salt the wounds and pluck the heart strings.

Perfect memories are betrayed by the present. Soiling the emotional baggage of nostalgia. I understand that there are some things that can never be, no matter how you force it.

It helps to think back and know that there was, in the infinite small portion of time, in this vast random universe with pulsating electrons and choirs of vibrating strings, that events were in place for two souls to share a commonality of emotion in a point set in time.

Now would be the part of the romance movie, after the rejection, the mixed feelings, the dance, and finally the climactic kiss by the car window. The scene where the women in the audience are squealing and their dates sighing an "oh, boy".

She draws him closer, in a warm embrace between moist kisses. She breath's out two words, "don't go". And the guitar strums and plays a song that overlaps the movie as it fades out and credits roll. Pure Hollywood editing.

But isn't that how the human memory works? The human mind has reels of these short movies of past experiences carefully editing out the flaws and bad feelings and placed in an enclosed protective memory capsule.

In the past few days, i can feel my subconscious janitor packing those memory reels away, to protect them against time. To carefully seal them away and hopefully as seasons pass, I will once again enjoy those memories of a girl I once knew, that made me feel more than special.


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